Past Life

Susi and tulips
Originally uploaded by suzipaw.

Isn't this a lovely picture my aunt took of her granddaughter? Susi and I share the same birthday, which pleases me exceedingly.

*****

In my weight-training class this morning, I couldn't stop thinking about New York. I think it's that time of year--I remember Manhattan winters once the holidays were over as being very dark and grim, maddening, until the cherry trees began to blossom on Charles Street in the Village, just as the cherry and apple trees are unfurling their pink and white flowers here now. Early spring in NY were such a relief, and the longer days, warmer sun, and bits of springtime greenery seemed all the more intense for their seasonal absence and scarcity in such a concrete-filled place. It was safe to come out of my apartment cave, and there was an urgency since soon summer would come with its inescapable humid stinky garbage smell and seemingly endless days with no cool respite.

It's hard to remember specifics about my life in New York now. I used to run through the names of the pocket parks and locations of favorite buildings and shops in my head, trying not to lose their sacred place in my mind. But next time I return I'll be an estranged tourist. I had a wild idea this morning that if I come across a cheap airfare I'll just force my cousin to let me sleep on his sofa for a weekend, just a few days of New York in the spring, just to wander the streets and remember.

I wonder why NY is so important to me. Maybe it's my fountain of youth, where I was young and became more myself and where I could still evolve into another self if I so desired. It's not as though I'm unhappy now. I think I just miss the potential--of adventure, chance meetings, fun, inspiration--that seemed to just cross my path in NY. Here, I have to cross Its path.