Bittersweet November

Thanksgiving - Thanksanukah - is late this year. M and I celebrate our "going steady" anniversary at Thanksgiving. 2013 makes 19 years together. It seems both a long time and just a blink of an eye. I guess that goes for time generally.

I meant to blog about the epic adventure that was our London trip in the days off after we returned home last week, but I just didn't get around to it. I took notes and everything. And now another life event--a passing of a life--has happened and it's hard to focus on anything else.

Grandma hadn't been doing well the last few months and I was grateful that Uncle Lloyd found a place for her in a nursing home where she could get more attentive care. But she was back in the ER this week with GI issues that at first seemed surmountable but turned out not to be. She died in the hours before Thanksgiving dawned. I'm not shocked--I feel like I've been waiting for this news for a decade and Grandma had expressed, strongly, her desire to stay out of nursing homes and in that regard I'm also grateful that she didn't have to endure those surroundings for long--but it's still hard to take, hard to believe that Grandma has gone.

I've been lucky not to have very many people pass away in my life, even at my age, so maybe that's why I feel somehow unprepared. I was hoping of course that she'd be one of the few to live to 110, 115…but ever since Vista Manor in Wilbur closed, life must have gotten much harder for her. I didn't want her to spend years locked in a mortal coil that could no longer support her bright and vital spirit. I am, selfishly, grateful that she lived for as long as she did. She seemed to be able to strike a balance between nurturing herself and her creative drive, and also being selfless, an example I want to emulate. She nurtured her relationships--with people, with animals, with the places she inhabited. She rarely spoke critically of anyone or anything. She tried to see everyone's perspective. She just wanted everyone to get along and be happy. That is a most worthy legacy. Grandma, I promise I will try to be more like you.

There will be a service and family gathering in Wilbur next weekend, so I'll be on the wing again sooner than I expected. Because of her way of living, I'll find some comfort in being with so many people that I love very much, a last gift I hope she knew she was creating for me and for all of us.