Four Tons, A Short Play in One Act

CURTAIN UP on a small home in Northern California

She, from the kitchen: Paw, would you please get me some cat litter?

He: Litter? OK…

(Sound of keys jangling.)

She: No, we have some. In the garage.

(Pause while he exits stage right. Sounds of rustling. He reenters carrying a jug of cat litter.)

He: You know I would have gotten you some at the store.

She: I know. That's why I love you.

(Pause while they gaze at each other smoochily.)

He: You know…(Staring thoughtfully at the container of clay cat litter he holds) How much do you think these cats have gone through?

She: Huh?

He: Really. (Exits stage left. Sounds of rustling.)

She: Hm….(Exits stage left. Sounds of rustling. She reenters carrying a calculator.) Let's see…(She punches in numbers.) How much do those containers weigh? Twenty pounds?

He (yelling offstage): Thirty.

She: No!

He: (Pause. Sounds of rustling.) Yes!

She: Jeez. OK. And they go through one per week?

He (reentering): Oh yeah.

She: No way!

He: OK, twenty then.

She: Jeez. OK. Twenty times 52 times…How old are they? 17? (Pause.) Oh my god. Wait, divide by two…Wait. How many pounds in a ton?

(Sound of audience laughter. )

CURTAIN

*****

Just for the record, I don't think my cats go through twenty pounds of cat litter a week. But I'm going to start paying more attention.