Paths Taken and Not

Michael had a post (where'd it go, Michael?) that thoughtfully intertwined a Frost poem, and I've been thinking of another of his works: The Road Not Taken. Well, I can hardly claim that my life is unusual, despite the fact that, as far as I know, I'm the only one living it. But on our regular Thursday lunch hour walk, a friend and I discussed the open mindedness of being young, and how the world seems so limitless and full of adventure back then. She still feels that inquisitiveness, the desire to try everything (within reason), and I envy her, because I don't think I do.

I know I still have adventures before me, and hopefully I'm only about halfway down the rutted road of my life. But choices I've made so far have made other choices impossible. Or nearly so, it seems to me. In many ways, I'm glad that I know more about what I *don't* want. And this is just life, right? Doesn't everyone feel this way as they hear the doors of opportunity clanging shut, the shushing of window sashes opening? It did make me wonder if that's why people (mostly men, it seems), don't "grow up"--they still live at home, don't have a serious significant other, prefer adult toys--they don't want to choose just one path and they want to hold on to that sense of wonder of life.

As I age, I wonder about the paths I've chosen, and why--have they been the paths of least resistance? It seems like it sometimes. And trying to bring faith/God/FSM into this, is my life preordained? Or is "fate" really just a more palatable way to describe the occurrence of another random event? And how do the branching of the paths of those close to me come to bear on my own way?

I haven't been sleeping well these past few days, and it may be because I'm being nudged onto another fork in the path and am trying to adjust. M's not working, though he's applied again for an opening in the public defender's office, so he might be soon. He's been home the past few weekends, and it's been so strange for me. Good, yes, of course, but I find myself moving about the house more gingerly somehow, wondering whether or not we should be trying to sync our chores and activities. He did spend most of Sunday in the garage, making a wheeled box to contain my assorted soils and garden supplies, so it wasn't like I felt he was underfoot. But it's clear that he's beginning a new phase of his life and I'm not quite sure what, if anything, that means for me, how significantly his new career will affect my little path.

I have a vague premonition that I'm approaching a big ol' fork in my path and I'm not sure if I'm a) deluding myself so I can feel as though I have some excitement to look forward to b) genuinely trying to be welcoming about any changes that might occur c) projecting M's fork as my own or d) really needing a change in my path so this is my way of trying to visualize it, to make an effort to actively create my own fork.

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Birthday dinner
Originally uploaded by suzipaw.

Monday was M's birthday. Some of his nice law school friends took us out to a swanky-ish restaurant in the Napa Valley on Sunday. I was worried that I was in for an entire evening of law school talk, but there was very little. Oh, they're so young…

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Monday was also my brother's birthday. Happy birthday, Jay!

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Thanks to Nancy and the NY Times, I am now a Nellie McKay fan. I also purchased a Fiona Apple album today. In other music news, my hero Elvis Costello is one of my MySpace friends! I left him a little mash note on his page.